fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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