I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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