Got a toothbrush?
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
If I die, sorry about rent.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
