he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
