when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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