Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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