Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize