my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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