I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
