I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
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