I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize