Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
