I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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