Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
