Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
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