It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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