i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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