On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
