you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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