I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
