birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
