my being single is dangerous.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
