My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
