I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
