if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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