also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
