last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
