He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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