If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
