Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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