Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
