I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
