My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
