Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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