and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
