I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
