Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
