So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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