I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
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