i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
my shit smells like andre
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
