Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
