Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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