So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
