Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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