i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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