just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
