remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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