i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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