I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
