Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
