My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
