There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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