I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
