I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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