you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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