Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
